i'm feeling extremely uneasy. calm before the storm types. i don't know why. planning a holiday is ridiculously stressful. i'm having panick attacks and my hair starting to become grey. i feel extremely lazy. it's not angst. i feel like i should lay low for a while. but lay low from what? or whom?
my stomach is doing flip flops and my mouth feels dry. and my mind seems to be playing tricks on me. what's happening?

i'm listening to mj. i am not a very big fan. yes, i liked his music, loved it when i was a kid. but just grew up and progressed to other stuff. i questioned his integrity when he was caught amidst allegations of child abuse and was sceptical when he was acquitted. i know people tend to put death on a pedestal. but it wouldn't be poetic justice, if mj went on to live till he was 80. to die, along with his music.

i've been feeling a little rushed. i've been making this plan for a while now. as of now, i think it may just die a very slow death. i like taking things into my control. knowing that i won't be satisfied until i know every exact detail, i put myself in there. it's going to be very painful if this doesn't work.

you know, i didn't really think about what would happen if it happened. it's happening. but it doesn't feel the same. is it supposed to feel the same? i don't quite think so. while, i feel that things have changed, i still feel anxious, feel suffocated when i hear or see something. is that good? it means i care. but i just don't know how much. why can't things be black or white? these greys confuse me, as they did to mj.

i don't understand what the fuss is all about. i am all of three and twenty. sigh. it annoys me beyond belief to be constantly reminded that it's time. okay, maybe i am exaggerating a bit. but it's still irritating. why do people have to take up the responsibility of playing matchmaker when they don't even know me. they don't even know when my birthday is. all i want to say is:

matchmaker, matchmaker

make me no match

i'll find me a find,

i'll catch me a catch.

meanwhile, i'm still wondering when i grew up.

things can change like that in a matter of minutes. *poof* i'm not sure what i'm getting myself into. i think fear will keep me in check this time. or so i'd like to believe.

i feel like i need a bit of rescuing. i slept for twelve hours last night, and i'm still really exhausted. it's not like i did too much yesterday. maybe it's the heat, or maybe it's the past five months rolled into one. i could really use two whole days to myself.
the elections are finally done with. now it's just the final scurry for cabinet posts ,so that won't be much, hopefully. the big big boss mailed me the day before the polls. he said he's appreciated my work and i've showed 'competance and maturity beyond my years'. i was happy for precisely one whole day.
jer made me promise i'll do something about my lack of will to do anything in my life. i've decided to go back to the books in a year. i think i could use the break. if all goes per plan, i'll be studying in europe for two years. so that's my plan of being rescued as of now.
prabhakaran's body is being flashed by all the news channels here. the receptionist in my office just broke down. sitting inside, i can't tell if it's from the news of his death. but something tells me it is. she's been replaced twice already.

last year, i woke up somewhere between three and four in the morning to this rap on my door. i lumbered out of bed, half asleep, half awake, and opened the door.  the light outside the passage way was out. through the steel grill a man asked for a number. a door number. i can't remember if he spoke in hindi or if i replied back in english. i closed the door. when i went back to bed i kept expecting him to come back, to ask for the door number again. he didn't.  

happy birthday.

i hurt. still.